All right, it has been a couple of weeks since I posted. The reason for this is that Paul decided that he didn’t want to continue our relationship. We broke up three weeks ago and I have been feeling terrible since then.
My problem is, that actually, nothing happened. We had two or three busy weeks, which meant that we just didn’t spent so much time together, but we didn’t fight or something like that. I had a feeling that something was wrong so I talked to him and so he broke up with me. I knew that things could have been better, but nothing that bad. I know that a relationship is a lot of work and I am more than willing to put that work into a relationship. If something goes bad, you have to talk about it (man hate talking, I know….), which may be difficult but in the end you can make things better. We have been a couple for 15 months, so I know that things between us could work if we just tried. So I am sad that he just threw away everything because of a few bad weeks. Even worse is that he also isn’t able to give me a reason for this. He says that his feelings are gone, but when we were on holiday a few weeks back, everything was fine (I asked him about it and I think he was honest about it). We have been living together for just 6 months, I mean you don’t decide to take a flat together if you know that things are going downhill. When we were on holiday he could imagine going on another holiday together and such things. I told him to be honest, to tell me if anything happened, even if there was another woman or so, because what I hate most is if someone lies to me. If he tells me the truth, I may be hurt and angry at first, but in the end I’ll be glad that I know what happened and that he was honest. And after so many months and living together and everything I think I deserve to know the truth. ( If I ever find out that he lied to me about the reason hell will seem like a very pleasant place to him). I also think it would make things easier for me if I knew why this happened, I just feel like everything happened way to fast (I friend of mine described this as “it’s like someone died but you can’t find the body”).
Well, since I still love him, I feel really bad. I want to roll into a ball and cry all day. I feel like throwing everything away (like my studies), run away from everything and hide somewhere. Some days I just wish that I won’t wake up in the morning. I know, I have to carry on, throwing things away won’t make it easier and so on, but sometimes I don’t know where to find the strength to go on.
Apart from feeling miserable I have to move once again. I found a new place and will move there next week, but this means a lot of work. I spent yesterday running around and buying things (and cleaning the place, because it looked terrible here and it looks like Paul doesn’t feel responsible for this). I have most things now, there are a few I still need to pick up, but at least I don’t have to go and look for them first anymore. I have to pack my things, which will take some time (I will use the opportunity to throw a few things away, make room for new things and so on…). At least we had the same ideas about who gets what of the furniture we bought together, so that problem is solved.
And apart from that, I have a Bachelor thesis to write, on which I am way behind the schedule (I wanted to have it ready by the middle of july, I fear that won’t work…), I have two lectures at university and I have to work. In general, I have absolutely no time to cope with a broken heart and moving right now…
“All right lady, why don’t you just pick up your needle, do a bit of stitching and calm down?”
Because I can’t pick up my needle =( I tried, but I just can’t get round to do some stitching. When I look at my stitching, I remember all the time I sat next to him and stitched, how he was fascinated by this, (how he complained that I bought to many charts) and such things. I have been able to wind a single bobbin since we broke up, but most time i just sit there and do nothing. The lovely ladies on facebook told me that it’s okay and that I should not push it, but I just feels weird. Stitching filled my days, when I got home and felt tired, I picked up my stitching to relax.
These lovely ladies also suggested that maybe I should start something new that Paul hasn’t seen before and therefore doesn’t have a connection to him. Maybe that’s a good idea and I will do my best to give it a try. Maybe it will work and I can also pick up my old projects in time.
I know I didn’t comment on your lovely blog post, I read them , but I just don’t have the time and energy to do any nice commenting things these days =/ I will try to be better once things are settled…